February 26th, 2004
Dear Rabbi Mandel,
It is with great disappointment that I put my pen to paper today. I expected to cry with tears of joy and happiness after my conversion. Instead, I have spent the past week crying endless tears over the controversy that is surrounding us. My mind is numb with pain as I write this; my hands shaking the pen with both hurt and frustration. My intentions, the integrity of my husband and every act of his adult life are being subject to scrutiny and endless examination. We are not perfect and have never claimed to be. Like those who are quick to judge us, we have our faults. But, we differ in that we are striving to be better people and become closer to G-d. My decision to convert was a big step that neither Isaac nor I took lightly. I thought that I would feel full of peace as I began my new life as a Jew. Instead, I feel as though all the life has been sucked out of me and both Isaac and I are merely shells of the people we once were.
In light of everything that has happened this past week, I feel the need to write you this letter. Since last Thursday, our phone has not stopped ringing with ג€newsג€, gossip and controversy surrounding my conversion and subsequent marriage to Isaac. This very personal choice and decision has now become a delicious topic of conversation for the masses. Suddenly, people who do not know me have an opinion on my personal choices and decisions. Men who call themselves my husbandג€™s friends are quick to recount his every shortcoming or fabricate elaborate lies if they do not have facts.
I am a very modest and private person and had so looked forward to my conversion bringing me closer to G-d. Instead, what started out as my personal, spiritual journey has ended up in a very public and shameful display of lies and hatred. Isaac has kept me sheltered from much of what is being said and done so I can only imagine how bad it must really be. With what little I have heard, I am devastated. I know that nothing good comes easily so I was prepared that some people would object and not be accepting of my conversion. But, I did not expect Isaac to be hurt by my decision and Iג€™m now afraid that he will be permanently scarred by all that is being said against him. I worry that if no one in the community stands up loud in his defense that he will lose all faith, just when we were starting to build a strong foundation for our future. I am afraid for my husband and the toll that this will take on him.
I was taught that ג€what you hate for yourself, do not do onto othersג€, so I will not cast stones back at those who throw them at us. But, I feel that our integrity is being questioned and that if I remain silent, people will misinterpret my silence as guilt. It is for this reason only that I want to publicly (though this letter) clarify my feelings with you and whoever else has taken a personal interest in our private affairs.
You know me and also know some of my background (who I am and where I come from) from our previous meetings and conversations. For the benefit of those who you may share this letter with, let me begin by telling you a little more about myself. As a child, I was raised in a Christian home and never knew a Jew. I was a curious child with a love of reading and spent many hours at our local library. Of the numerous books I read over the years, I loved one series in particular. It was a series of stories about a Jewish family in New York with five young daughters. I was fascinated by these stories and very curious about the Jewish holidays and traditions described within them. My mother remembers me asking her countless questions about the Jewish faith and especially the many times I asked; ג€Why arenג€™t we Jewish?ג€
My first contact with a Jewish community was in the summer of 1989 when I moved to Montreal to work as a nanny for two young children. The family was not Jewish but lived in a neighborhood with a strong Orthodox community. I remember the first time the childrenג€™s father pointed out all of the Jewish men leaving synagogue. I was impressed by how different they looked with their black coats, long beards and hats. I also remember learning about Sukkos that year and the great curiosity I had as families in the neighborhood prepared for and celebrated this holiday. I marveled at the beautiful sense of community these Orthodox families seemed to share. Little did I know then that, I too would one day look forward to the preparations and celebration of Sukkos. Nor did I realize that such a true and pure religion on the surface was being destroyed from the inside out by lies and gossip.
Until I met Isaac, my only contact with Jewish people had been from a distance. That said, it is common knowledge in secular society that a Jew will not marry a non-Jew. There are countless stories in books, magazines and film of people who converted to Judaism for marriage. So in the early days of our relationship, with my limited understanding of Judaism at the time, I was quick to ensure Isaac that I would convert, if thatג€™s what he wanted. Isaac responded by saying that conversion must be of your own free choice and that he would never ask me to convert. He loved me regardless of my religion. He was true to his word and during the years that we have lived together, he has never once asked me to convert. In fact, when people pressured him, he always said that it was my decision and that he loved me either way.
Of course, his decision to live with me did not come without a cost. He was labeled as a bum, he lost the favor of his employer, he fought with his family, and he was the subject of endless gossip, all while struggling to balance his Jewish identity and his love for me. Had he simply said, I want you to convert, his life would have been much easier. Instead, he was ostracized from both his family and the community to which he had belonged.
I spent many months hating these people who had seemingly abandoned him. How could your own family not accept you regardless of what you do? It was incomprehensible to me. My parents had been so understanding and welcomed Isaac with open arms. I simply could not understand. I am a good person, I have a good heart. How can these people not like me, without knowing me, simply because Iג€™m not Jewish? I decided that if I was ever to convert, I had no interest in being accepted. I knew that if I converted, and it seemed impossible at that time, it would have to be for the right reasons.
In the beginning, Isaac was still invited to family weddings and parties. Although I was excluded from these family invitations, I always encouraged Isaac to go. I wanted him to have a connection to his family and to the community despite everything. Many times, I sat alone in the car, around the corner from the wedding hall, waiting for Isaac to return. Numerous holidays, weddings and parties came and went. Each time an invitation was extended, Isaac would always say ג€Thank you very much for thinking to invite me but I will not go and leave Heather alone.ג€ I canג€™t tell you how many times I heard Isaacג€™s family say ג€when she converts, we will invite herג€. Here was the family of the man I loved giving me an ג€inג€ ג€“ convert and we will accept you. And still, I did not convert. It would have been very easy for me to say that I wanted to convert then; it would have made my life much easier. I would have been closer to his family years ago. Instead, I did not convert. Why? The truth is simply that I remembered how adamant Isaac had been that he would not ask me to convert. He had been labeled and rejected because of it. And still, he didnג€™t ask me to convert. I decided that if I was ever to convert, it would not be done because of pressure, but out of a genuine desire to embrace Judaism. And up until that point, most of the Jewish people I had been in contact with were not nice to us. Why would I want to join a religion of people who didnג€™t want me?
Despite this, my relationship with Isaac had renewed my interest in Judaism and sparked that curiosity I had with the faith as a child. Although Isaac may have ג€leftג€ the community in the physical sense of the word (because he was living in Manhattan), he is most definitely proud of his Jewish heritage and very learned in the laws of the Torah. He has spent countless hours sharing his knowledge and love of Judaism with me. Over the past three years, weג€™ve debated over many philosophical questions and grown closer as weג€™ve realized that we both believe in the same things. But, despite my belief in the teachings of the Torah, I still could not forget how we had been rejected by the Jewish community. I did not want to belong to a group that didnג€™t want me.
Then one day, something wonderful happened that changed my perspective on the Jewish community. Isaacג€™s mother called me. Just like that, in the middle of the day. She told me that she had been tormented all of this time. She had wanted to meet me but couldnג€™t because I wasnג€™t Jewish. Finally, she went to a Rabbi and told him the whole story. She asked what she should do and he told her that she should call me, if she wanted to. I will always remember that day. I trembled and cried with joy. We both cried. Even without fully understanding the magnitude of what his mother had done, I was deeply touched. It was a turning point in my life. I realized that despite what I had seen of the Jewish people up to that point, not everyone was bad. Isaacג€™s mother did not have a cold heart. She just believed so strongly in the teachings of the Torah that as much as she longed to reach out to us, she couldnג€™t. If being Jewish meant that much to her, I was convinced that there was much more to the religion than I had seen. I began to read more. Ask more questions. Look for answers and ultimately, found what I had been missing ג€“ Judaism. Not as the acts of individual people but as a pure belief in one G-d and in the teachings of the Torah.
Last summer, Isaacג€™s mother put me in touch with another woman who was instrumental in my decision to convert. She and her husband are both converts and are really both, very special people. From talking with her, I knew in my heart that I also wanted to convert. Her husband recommended some reading material that helped me understand what it means to be Jewish. Other friends recommended more books and I continued to learn. Isaac and I began to read the Torah together at night. I would read the English passages and he would read the Hebrew commentary and we would discuss it together. When I felt that I was ready, I told Isaac that I wanted to convert. He again told me that I didnג€™t have to. He loved me and would stay with me regardless. I insisted. As a non-Jewish person, I couldnג€™t keep Shabbos. I wanted to. I wanted to keep the mitzvohs. I did not want to wait. I also wanted to have children and wanted to raise them Jewish. I wanted our children to share in this rich heritage.
How my long journey to this decision got so quickly turned upside down after my conversion, I will never understand. I expected my decision to affect many aspects of my life, including my relationship with family and friends. I feared that my non-Jewish friends and family would not understand my decision. I was worried that my mother would be hurt that I was choosing a new name. She was hurt, at first, but only for a moment. Then, she was happy for me; happy, that I had found something I believed in. My friends have been very supportive, many of them have called or written to me with congratulations. Beyond my friends and family, I also wrestled with the concept of no longer participating in the traditions surrounding Christmas and other holidays.
I had read that one of the most difficult things for a convert is to give up the Christmas traditions. And, initially, I did struggle with the concept of no longer having a Christmas tree, wreaths and lights. I argued that these things were not religious, for me, they were simply family traditions. The pine tree has no symbolic meaning in the Christian religion, you donג€™t find tree decorations in the shapes of religious symbols, instead; you find snowmen, snowflakes and icicle. As a child, I had grown up seeing beautifully decorated holiday homes in books and magazines with garland and lights draped down the staircase. My family home did not have a grand staircase and so, in my mind, I had missed out. I had always dreamed of having my own beautifully decorated staircase. Some girls dream of having a big wedding and of getting married in a beautiful white gown, my dream was to have a decorated staircase J When Isaac and I moved out of Manhattan and bought a house with a grand staircase, I knew that it was my last Christmas. It was my last chance to fulfill my childhood dream and say goodbye to those traditions. As silly as it sounds now, I wanted those lights! As supportive as Isaac has always been, he allowed me to fulfill that wish. At the time, I found it very comical that Isaac asked me for a dollar because he was selling me his part of the house.
So I was now ready to give up those traditions and move on. I was longing to start new traditions of keeping Shabbos, lighting the candles, Purim, Passover, Sukkos, Chanukah, etcג€¦
I prefer to see the good in people and believe that many of the things that are now being said are based on simple misunderstandings of the truth. I am quite used to people misinterpreting things they do not understand. Take when Isaac and I first started living together for example. Many people said, ג€She doesnג€™t really love him. Sheג€™s only doing this for his moneyג€. I took no heed. Isaac and I both knew the truth. I have a good job and have always been able to support myself very well. I do not need to be with Isaac for money.
Then people said that I would never stay with him, it wasnג€™t possible for me to love a Chassidic boy with a beard and payes. But love him I did, with all of my heart. Not because of his beard or in spite of his beard. It was not a passing thing, it has been over three years and I love him more today than I did when we first met. I know that we will be together for many years to come and G-d willing, we will be blessed with many children and grandchildren.
Speaking of children, Isaac has been blessed with four wonderful children whom he loves dearly. I have heard that some people are saying that I only converted so that Isaac will get custody of his children. Again, this is not based on truth but a misinterpretation or misunderstanding of the truth. Isaac has never asked for full custody of his children but he has always wanted whatג€™s best for them. He believes that itג€™s in the best interest of the children to live with their mother and to continue to attend their Jewish schools. That said he strongly believes that his children need their father. Since he first separated from his wife, Isaac has always had visitation with the children on Friday afternoons during the summer months. During the winter, the visitation has always been on Sunday evenings. He ensured that his divorce agreement allowed for ample visitation.
I argued with Isaac that seeing the children for just 3 hours a week was not enough for them. They needed more quality time with their father. Time to do regular things like read them stories, play games and talk. Three hours rush by when you cannot take them to your home. You have to give them dinner, so you rush to a restaurant and then there is very little time remaining and really no place to go. I donג€™t think itג€™s healthy. I remember how hurt I was when Isaac told me that he agreed the children should only have overnight visitation once he was married and his wife was Jewish or converted. His lawyer had advised that by law, he would be allowed overnight visitation regardless of whether or not his wife was Jewish. But, Isaac only had the best interest of his children in mind. He agreed that the children were used to certain standards and he wanted his wife to feel absolutely comfortable if and when he took the children for overnight visits. At the time, I could not understand why he would not only agree to this but insist upon it.
If you are to believe that I only converted so that Isaac will get custody or overnight visitation with his children, you would have to believe that he had no choice in this ג€Jewishג€ clause in the divorce agreement. The fact is, he agreed to the clause of his wife being Jewish against the advice of his lawyer. The courts would allow visitation without this. If he was so bent on getting custody of his children, why would he have insisted on including a clause that in fact, would have made it more difficult for him?
I have also heard disturbing stories that Rabbis who were consulted before my conversion are now denying that they were ever consulted. I donג€™t know these Rabbis but I was there for my own conversion. I know for a fact that on the Sunday before I converted, you will recall, that you advised Isaac that another Rabbi whom you had consulted with asked that I do an additional thing (take a pregnancy test) in preparation ג€“ to remove all doubt. I did as you and the other Rabbi asked to ensure that I was totally prepared before going to the mikkvah. This was a very personal thing and, as a modest woman, I was very shy and it was not easy to discuss this openly with you but I did. The only reason I bring it up now is that I understand the Rabbi who made this request is now denying that he did so. If this is true, I feel that it is my obligation to stand for the truth and make known the facts in dispute of any rumors and gossip.
I could go on and on but the truth is, I do not know all of the accusations that have been made against us. I also believe that for each accusation, there is an honest side that would prove it false. But, my decision to convert and for Isaac and I to marry is not for others to dispute or question. My immersion was Kosher and the Rabbis that questioned/interviewed me and were present for my conversion will attest that it was a true conversion by law. More importantly, I know that my heart is sincere and since G-d is all knowing, I would rather have G-d on my side than 60 Rabbis. It is now between me and Hג€™ashem.
I have asked Isaac not to speak to or answer anyoneג€™s phone calls or inquiries about my conversion from this day forward. My decision to convert may be discussed on the streets and in strangerג€™s homes without my knowledge, but it is not open for discussion in our home. Right now, I need Isaacג€™s support, to continue to learn more halacha, and to feel a part of the family and community. I will not grow to be a better Jew and keep a good, Jewish home by allowing naysayers and politics a place in my heart.
I know that the process of becoming Jewish did not end with my conversion. Rather, it is only the beginning. I look forward to a lifetime of learning and sharing in this beautiful faith with my husband. Should we be blessed with children, Isaac and I will teach them and raise them as Jews.
Ruth stated ג€Your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-dג€. I do the same. If it is not good enough for every Rabbi, I know in my heart that G-d knows my true intentions and that is good enough for me. The people who choose to speak against us, only serve to make me stronger. I look upon this as a test of my faith and will rise above it and prove the naysayers wrong. As I continue to learn, I know that to feel ג€authenticallyג€ Jewish will require much patience, courage and strength. May Hג€™ashem give me the strength and courage that I needג€¦.
I believe in the one G-d of Israel and His Torah and I converted without any motive other than a sincere love of G-d and a desire to be closer to his people. I accept the Torah and believe that it is a Torah of kindness. I believe that anyone who questions my sincerity should, themselves, be questioned.
A few nights ago, Isaac read to me all of the passages in the Torah regarding conversion and that you should not discriminate against a convert. One passage, in particular, stands out in my mind:
Devurim 24:17 reads ג€You should not pervert the judgment of a convert [or] orphanג€. I found it very curious when Isaac pointed out that the ג€orג€ was not actually in the Hebrew text. I couldnג€™t help but wonder if it was written just for usג€¦..
With all of the references in the Torah that ג€you shall love a convertג€ and that ג€you must understand the feelings of the convertג€, I am dismayed by peopleג€™s reaction to my conversion. Perhaps they feel that their actions will be justified if they can find a flaw in my conversion. In their eyes, they must feel that ג€maybeג€ it wasnג€™t a true conversion. To this I would ask about all of the other ג€maybesג€ in the law. Iג€™ve often asked Isaac, why do we have to do this or that and he has answered, well, the law states one thing but ג€maybeג€ it could be interpreted as something else so we have to take it a step further, just to be sure. In this case, why wouldnג€™t people be careful to understand my feelings and to show me love just in case, ג€maybeג€, my conversion does prove to be true?
I donג€™t think I will ever find a satisfying explanation. I will continue to learn and do my best to build a good Jewish home. I will walk with my head held high and let G-d be my judge.
In the meantime, I am so sorry that you are being pressured because of your decision to accept my conversion. My only hope is that I will continue to be a good Jew so that you will be proud and that you should never have to question your decision.
I hope that you will share this letter with anyone who has a good heart and a sole interest in keeping the laws of the Torah. I trust that these people will gather together and voice their strong opinions in our defense and be the strength that Isaac and I so desperately need during this time.
Sincerely,
Chany Stein
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